As we gather to join our friend in celebrating his imminent union, we take the following pledge:
The Bachelor Party Oath
Should the bachelor appear in need of a beverage, I shall slake his thirst posthaste with a chilled ale, lager, or other adult beverage.
Should the bachelor appear in need of companionship from a pretty lass, I shall remedy this indignity with a smile, eye contact, and a $20 bill.
The Bachelor Party is Sacred, and thus:
The location shall not be shared with those uninvited.
I shall not violate the sanctity of this fest with boasts of our adventures in the company of those who did not witness our greatness firsthand.
This includes wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, and coworkers.
Nor shall I speak of “The Party” to my Priest, Rabbi, or Minister.
I shall put the enjoyment and safety of The Bachelor before my own. If I am not having a good time, I will smile, and I will laugh, and I WILL have a good time, as it is my friend’s last night of freedom. Indeed, merriment will be had by all.
I will heed the instructions of the best man to the best of my ability. This includes being at the appointed place at the appointed time in the correct uniform, possessing sufficient funds to fulfill my duties in revelry.
And thus, The Bachelor shall not spend ONE dime for the duration of the event.
In dire circumstances, I pledge to take the fall, keeping The Bachelor free from physical harm, out of the emergency room, and out of jail.
We shall deliver The Bachelor to the wedding properly attired, on time, in good health, and good cheer, with no disfigurements or disabilities incurred as a result of our festivities.
If I, for any reason, violate this oath, or fail to live up to my duties, a majority vote of the party may condemn actions.
A singular swift-kick to the testicular region, administered by a person of the Best Man’s choosing, shall be my sentence.
At all times, I shall remember:
It’s not about ME,
It’s about THE BACHELOR
-consecrate the oath with a binding beer and whiskey, neat-
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